Friday, May 23, 2008

Explaining My Disaffection to a Never Mormon

In October last year, I briefly explained my disaffection to an old friend. This is what I wrote.

I didn't exactly "decide" to leave the so-called church. Disaffection was more or less inevitable. I had become highly disillusioned after several years of observing its cultural expression of narcissism (you know, the bigotry and all that).

A few months before I left, I was pushing all kinds of epistemological questions (the ones they apparently don't teach you about in a small town). It felt surprisingly good, so I kept pushing. I eliminated most of the cult mind control. I stopped going to church. Then I stopped praying. I finally reached a point where I felt the need to go "all in".

The last obstacle remaining was information control. To challenge this, I spent an evening reading all kinds of exmormon material. I came across the Mormon temple endowment ritual. Everything about it was... well, vain, pointless, and a little disturbing. It turns out that most of it was stolen from the Free Masons.

I added that piece of information to the other things I was actively questioning about mormonism (including epistemology, polygamy, racism, bigotry, and misogyny). It was more than enough to break the dam. I say dam because it hit me like a deluge. I hadn't felt more liberated, euphoric, or fearless in my life. I had the biggest, stupidest smile on my face for weeks. I even got dizzy with joy at times, like I was going to faint.